Don't Sit On My Horse
by Spats Columbo
Summary: Alistair Butler, a young Star Fleet officer learns who he his and embarks on the path to become a man as he accepts his first captain's commission. But should he take it as an insult or the highest form of praise?
1. Not a Man

He looked in the tiny mirror, brushing his hair behind his ear. His…_short_ ear.

"C'mon…that looks longer right?" He craned his neck for the best possible view of it. "Like…it's supposed to take a little while, y'know? But that looks longer…yeah?"

He turned to take inventory of his wife's expression, which turned out to be sleepy.

"Honey, are you listening? It's got to happen now right? This has to be it; this has to be when I finally become a man."

"Alistair," She rolled over in bed and squinted at him, "as far as I'm concerned you were a man long before I met you, but right now you sound like a five year old. Now come to bed, you need to sleep for the decoration tomorrow."

"There's no way I can sleep when any minute now it might happen! Plus, I'm too nervous for the decoration, I think maybe I'll take a courtesy barf before I go to bed." Alistair couldn't stop turning in awkward angles to get to the best possible view of his ear, when he noticed Amy's expression in the mirror. She was shooting him a death glare, the kind that mostly conveyed in caveman, "Me need sleep. You sleep too." Alistair shrank back a little, sighed, and dropped his hand from his ear to give himself an accusing point. "You," he jabbed, "had better get working. I refuse to have short ears as a starship captain." He glanced hopefully at his left ear and then turned for bed.

As far back as Alistair could remember the Tellurian race had always judged the point of manhood by the length of the man's ear, or cunicula as it was known to them. For women it wasn't nearly as important of a process, but for the men, the longear was a rite of passage, and until your ear had grown from elflike point to a long and majestic cunicula, you were immature, boyish, and ignorant. At least this was true for other Tellurians, but most Humans didn't care. He just knew the other Tellurians were laughing at him.

The point in which this change in length occurs is when you have reached a pinnacle moment in your life or a great accomplishment, the moment that defines who you really are and what you stand for.

Alistair, now far past the point of manhood, still had not fully grown into his cunicula, and now that he had been reviewed and approved, and accepted a commission as a starship captain he thought that this must be his time to shine. To show the Tellurians that the late bloomer, Alistair Butler, was just waiting for the perfectly ripe moment to show them all who he really was, a real life starship captain!

His wife, Amy (being a human), didn't necessarily understand the Tellurian customs, of course she knew it was important, but she just didn't understand what it was like to be a shortear and to have to wait for that moment for your entire life. She was sweet. She was encouraging…most of the time. But she was still human, and there are just some things that humans don't understand. Alistair had to suffer through their entire wedding as a shorteared freak, and had been embarrassed about it their entire marriage, but he wasn't about to tell Amy that.

As Alistair climbed into bed, he laid his head in the soft pillow and wondered to himself what it would be like to sleep with cunicula. Would it hurt? Would it be uncomfortable? Would he poke Amy in the eye every time he rolled over? He would cross that bridge when he came to it, but if that bridge wasn't right around the next bend, he would have some serious bones to pick with the Tellurian gods.


	2. Not a Vulcan

Alistair wasn't the only Tellurian in Star Fleet but he might as well have been. There was a grand total of fifteen Tellurians in the fleet, but they were either pencil pushers, desk jockeys, or on their ships (with their fully grown cunicula) enjoying their own manly adventures. They were all coincidentally men. Well…with the exception of one woman, Pat Reed, but she was so ugly and with such an androgynous name that most people just accepted her as a man.

Alistair walked through the crowded halls of Star Fleet, with all of the students and enlisted men bustling back and forth. It was a commissioning day when the new commissions were to be presented and taken up, and Alistair was not going to be late…if he could help it. He'd served on fleet ships before, as a helmsman, a second lieutenant, a commander, first officer to the captain, but this was his chance to be a captain himself and to choose his officers and demand the loyalty of the crew.

A boy, a science trainee walked by and split his hand into a gesture commonly known as the Vulcan salute. Alistair, trained to respond to foreign greetings, instinctively saluted back, then realized halfway through that the boy probably thought he was Vulcan, or was teasing him. Tellurians were a fairly undiscussed and ignored race at Star Fleet, so perhaps the boy didn't know, but Alistair was getting to the point where everything sounded like an insult, especially as a shortear. Alistair didn't want to be mistaken as a Vulcan, there were other visually identifying characteristics of both races, but neither was so substantial that someone with a minimal knowledge of universal species would have known. Alistair chose to be insulted.

As the legend goes, Tellurians had at some point been a part of the Vulcan race, and were now distantly related. No one was really sure anymore, but the Tellurians tried to distance themselves as much as possible from the Vulcans. This was part of why they regarded cunicula as so important. (As a side note, the term cunicula was one given by the humans when they colonized the Tellurian home planet, coming from the Latin _Cuniculus_, meaning rabbit. Not at all insulting…) The general features of the Tellurians were humanoid, with flatter noses, largely resembling cat noses, slightly larger eyes, cunicula, and generally softer hair than humans. All of this, to the embarrassment of most Tellurians, gave them many common features with small and adorable animals, and was a very sore spot for most of the race. Other than that, coloring, size, shape, organ arrangement and inventory was all the same as Humans, which was partially why the Humans found the planet ripe for colonization. This was also furthered by interracial breeding between the Humans and Tellurians which over time caused the Tellurian race to evolve to look more and more human. This, by the way, is the same reason that the Tellurians have mostly Earth originated names. There aren't very many Tellurians who try to even name their children the old traditional names anymore, because if they do the Humans just reject and rename them.

Alistair tugged at his collar, trying to make it stand up as straight as it would go.

"Honey, my three dot things, they're there right?"

"Dot things?" Amy looked at him incredulously.

"C'mon, you know. My rank, my rank. They're there, yeah? All in place?" He stabbed a finger at his collar.

"Yes they're fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes I'm sure."

"You didn't even look," Alistair frowned.

Amy walked around in front of him and stopped him. "Alistair, listen, you're fine. It's going to be ok. They can't take back the commission now, it's already in the palm of your hand. This is your day, sweetheart, be proud." She put her hand on his face and gave him her best smile.

Alistair looked at his sweet wife and understood what she was trying to do for him in this moment, but he was nervous, he was disappointed about his appearance, and he was a guy, so he had to say something stupid.

"But what about my…" He whispered and pointed to his ear.

"It's ok, no one will realize you're stupid." Amy teased, and gave him an amused smile.

Alistair frowned and straightened, "Amy."

Amy sighed and pushed his fair hair behind his ear. "Babe, no one is going to care about your ear thingamadoohicky. No one even knows what it's supposed to look like."

"Thingamadoohicky? You're serious right now?" He gave her his most patronizing face. "To have cunicula is a serious thing to Tellurians, Amy. I feel like this is the greatest achievement in my life and nothing's happening. I thought for sure it would be when we got married, that finally I would be a man, but even then that wasn't enough. I feel like I'm running out of things to do, running out of ways to be impressive, to show the world who I really am."

He sighed and touched his left ear, fiddling with it, wishing there was more to fiddle with. Amy looked at him and held his hand.

"Ali…all I can do is tell you what I think of you and hope that's enough. I believe you're a man, and I'm so proud of you for getting this commission, and I'm so excited to be on the ship with you under your command as an officer, and standing next to you as your wife. Some day you will find whatever it is that the universe thinks you're lacking to not give you cunicula. Until then, all that means is that there are bigger and better things out there awaiting you. You've just go to find them, and maybe having this commission is the way for you to do so. I believe in you, and I love you."

She stood on her tip toes and kissed him.

"Now hurry up or we'll be late."

Amy grabbed his hand and they walked briskly down the hallway, brushing past bustling students who were also late, tucking shirts into uniforms and buttoning coats in the hallway, trying to get to the decoration on time.


	3. Ear Boners

Alistair stood at the front of the room, having barely made it in time for the opening speaker. He buttoned the top button of his stark red uniform; this would be his last day wearing it.

He stood at attention at the front of the room with the others receiving their commissions and thought about how he probably should have gotten a haircut. As his mind wandered he also wondered if the audience members could tell the difference between himself and the Vulcan standing next to him, whom was also (very oddly) fair-haired.

Alistair was in the process of making an assessment of just how Vulcan he looked when Star Fleet's highest ranking Admiral stood up to present the newly commissioned captains and the names of their vessels.

"Students, teachers, officers, and distinguished guests, we are here today to present the very high honor of captain's commission to these fine young officers of the Fleet who have worked so hard and so diligently to receive this life-long goal! We have six young officers here whom today are going to receive their commissions and the name of the starship which they will pilot to explore the unknown universe and to uphold the peace of the Federation!"

Alistair could feel his palms sweating and was having a hard time keeping his wedding ring on his finger. Alistair (of course) was the last in line, and was going to have to wait until all of the other had received their commissions to finally find out what grand ship of the fleet he was going to be serving on. He also imagined a horrifying moment where his cunicula decided to spring up right at the last second, like a giant pair of ear boners, too excited to contain themselves. He shuddered at the thought, and was brought back to the ceremony as the first officer was given his commission and captains' adornments.

"Grundan Tjerstik!" The young alien officer stepped forward from the crowd with a ramrod straight posture, his golden tusks protruding from the bottom of his mouth. Alistair couldn't actually remember the name of Grundan's race, and just took to privately calling them the "boar people".

"Commander Tjerstik, you have served us well in the Fleet, and we are very grateful for your service in taking command of the vessel the _U.S.S. Young_, leading the Fleet as it battled a large battalion of enemy ships in Tesserae 9. You are hereby promoted to the rank of captain and will report for duty, tomorrow on your newly commissioned excelsior starship…the _U.S.S. Valiant_!"

A burst of applause broke forth from the audience and they lauded Tjerstik's great achievement, and he glowed with pride as the Admiral affixed his new captains' rank to his collar. Or maybe his tusks were just reflecting the light.

Next came Millard Thompson, the human who was currently the Fleetwide champion at 3D chess, though some of the more geriatric admirals didn't like to admit it. He was awarded the captain's commission of the _U.S.S. Valley Forge_, an oldie but a goody.

Then there was Tilly Morganson, Hiddleston Gorignak, and someone whose name was barely pronounceable, whom all respectively received the commissions of the _U.S.S. Starburst_, _Portsmouth_, and _Vigilante_.

Alistair was close to passing out when the Admiral finally made his way towards him when the crowd's cheering for the _Vigilante_'s new unidentifiable captain had died out. The admiral stopped in front of him and gave him a smile that Alistair couldn't read. Was it amused? Happy? He looked like he'd just pulled a prank and was trying to stifle a good laugh. Or maybe that was just his proud face. Alistair really didn't want to know which, but was starting to wish he wasn't taking a commission and that he could just go back to his old rank on the _Kamikaze_.

The Admiral reached out and put a hand on Alistair's shoulder, which was heavier than he would have thought but he did his best to keep his spine from melting and leaking out his pant leg. Unfortunate if not only because people would think it was pee, which it might as well have been at this point.

"My dear ladies and gentlemen, and those whom do not identify with a gender…this is our very fine Commander Alistair Butler whom had been serving these past five years on the _U.S.S. Kamikaze_, a fine exploration vessel that has had its fair share of pleasant and not so pleasant encounters over its' lifetime. Commander Butler has handled them all as a second in command with aplomb and dignity, and is respected by all of the men under his command and by his commanding officer Captain Rishko, which is why we've saved him for last today. Commander Butler is receiving a very special commission today that shows how much the Fleet appreciates his time, effort, and service to the universe and its many wonders."

Alistair was dazed and could barely think straight. He was starting to realize that there was something strange about his particular commission that made the admiral's lengthy and pompous dissertation on an officer's service necessary, but he didn't know what. He felt like his heart was slowly trying to take stage in his mouth and he though quite possibly that he would puke all over the admiral during his wondrous laudation of him. But Alistair resisted the urge, and scanned the crowd for Amy, from whom he was hoping he could get a look of encouragement. Instead, when he found her she looked as nervous as he did. Apparently the admiral's speech was enough to make even the rocks in relationships wear and tear a little. Alistair swallowed his fear (and whatever else might have been in his throat) and listened to the admiral finish up his speech.

"…which is why we have decided to bring out of retirement, one of the oldest, and most noble ships in Star Fleet's history. A ship that has created so much history on its own, and has had such an extensive and profound impact on Star Fleet and the United Federation of Planets. Commander Alistair Butler, I hereby promote you to the rank of Captain, and bestow upon you the commission off the starship…_U.S.S. ENTERPRISE_!"

Alistair's teeth did a little happy jig so sharp he bit his tongue and could barely understand what had just happened. The starship Enterprise? It had been rebuilt and refitted time and time again, and had some of the most legendary captains and adventures anyone had ever known. Even after it was decommissioned it was a legend and it was spoken about in every class at Star Fleet and every ship and every planet in the UFP. How was it possible that it had been taken out of retirement and refitted for him?

The crowd was cheering wildly and Amy was crying, sitting in the audience barely able to control herself. Alistair watched as she grabbed the Palladian next to her and yelled something in his face, probably "THAT'S MY HUSBAND."

The admiral put his hands up to calm the crowd after he'd finished pinning the captains' adornments to his collar.

"Ladies and gentleman, I'm sure this comes as a shock to you all that we would pull a ship out of retirement like this to give to a brand new captain, and it is a great honor because the starship Enterprise is a legendary ship with a rich historical background and such marvelous upstanding captains as Captains Pike and Kirk. But this ship is going to serve a greater purpose than that of exploring the universe and keeping order among the Federation. This ship is to be used as a flagship to recount the amazing historical background of Star Fleet and the legendary ship Enterprise. The crew has been specially trained in all of its major engagements and personnel, and is to travel the universe on behalf of the Federation as a historical monument to a time gone by. The ship has been refitted to match its previous layout of the original Enterprise, but with technological upgrades, and will be known from now on as the U.S.S. Enterprise F."

More applause escaped the audience as they all marveled at this new and amazing stroke of genius. A flying monument to the Fleet and Federation! Alistair had been so full of pride at receiving such a wondrous command as the Enterprise but now that he knew the real purpose of the ship and its commission, he saw it as one big joke.

He was going to be flying a museum that wasn't even fit for duty anymore, with a crew that probably didn't want to be there anymore than he did. As he sat back down and the festivities of the decoration ended, Alistair could only now realize that it was no wonder his cunicula hadn't grown in. This wasn't a moment of great pride and honor. He was being taken out of active duty to be put on a floating circus, pure entertainment.

"What a great commission," he thought. "By the time I'm done giving guided tours, my cunicula will be so long, maybe I can pass as a gopher for Halloween."


End file.
